If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
