woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
