I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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