She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
