Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
