If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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