Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
