what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
