I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
