i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
