pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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