He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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