We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
