i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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