anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
