Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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