i just wanna soil my oats bro
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
