Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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