Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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