see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
