You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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