just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's rum buckets o'clock
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize