She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
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I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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