we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
