He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
