We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
