Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
