Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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