He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
