So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
