pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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