I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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