How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
