so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
