I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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