Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
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There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
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I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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