I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
