so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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