Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
