It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
