I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize