Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
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It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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