I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
