I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
