Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
