The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
