DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
