I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
bring money and cleavage
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
