i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
