oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
