On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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