38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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