How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Who died my cat blue again?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
