I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
