He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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