well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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