Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
