Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I don't deserve a penis
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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