first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
