we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
