I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
