This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
