Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
